I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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