Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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