Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
