Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
