high people should be assigned attendants
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
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