So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 607 share tweet
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize