The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
