At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
