I accidentally burped into my bong.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
