went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
