My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
