Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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