If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
