Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
