Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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