its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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