he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
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