drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
