Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
