I was born with a shot glass in my hand
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
