I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
