he thought i was a dude.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
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