Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
