Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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