u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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