Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
