Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
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we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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