it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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