You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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