In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
