i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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