I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Randomize
