how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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