Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
