ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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