i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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