oh god the rape fog is back!
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Randomize
