not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
