Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i believe in u and ur pee
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
