sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
