Yo dont text me then not text me
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
