i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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