Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
