Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
