I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Randomize
