i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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