Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
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