i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
