something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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