this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
