did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Is this like a preordered booty call?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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