I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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