Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
