shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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