You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You ate ashes out of my bong
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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