you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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