I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
