Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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