mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
